Fresh Retro Juice

It's All Geek To Me!

6 Thoughts I Had When Playing Streets of Rage

ShemboComment
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Streets of Rage on the Sega Mega Drive was my JAM!! I would play it all day every day until my eyes would bleed/my parents shouted at me to turn off the telly. I have completed it twice. Once when I was about 11 years old and again when I was 30 *cough cough* years old. I bought an old Mega Drive and salivated over the prospect of playing my favourite game all over again. When I was 11 I remember it taking me the entire day in between toilet breaks and my mum shouting at me for rotting my brain. The second time around 20-odd years later, there were WAY more temper tantrums and expletives in between eating pizza and drinking cider. However, one thing remained the same… the adrenaline and intense (possibly overly dramatic) emotions were the exact same. Here are my 6 legit thoughts I had before my muscle memory from 1993 kicked in and I won at life!

One

Oooooh it’s starting! The excitement is BEYOND anything I could ever imagine! Let’s do this!

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Two

Hmmm... which character will I choose? I should represent and be the black dude BUT strangely enough, his speed is crap! Blaze is looking cute... can't decide if I fancy her. No no must focus... I need some good old fashioned strong, white, manliness to save us all! Axel it is. Swoon.

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Three

Woooop! Off we go! Ah the strange technotronic soundtrack makes me feel like I'm in a 90s Japanese nightclub! Do I dance... do I beat the crap out of people with my huge menacing pipe?! What a time to be alive! Yay violence!

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Four

It's all getting a little bit fast and crazy. There's flames and shit EVERYWHERE! Plus some dudes with boomerangs are trying to kill me! Rude. If I just close my eyes and press all of the buttons really hard... does that help?

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Five

Nope. No it doesn't help. At all. Stop jumping in the air at nothing! I should've picked the black dude. Bollocks, I need back up! I'm calling my mate with the giant attention seeking bazooka. A little extreme but I'm happy to go with it.

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Six

oh i forgot about the super casual dominatrix trying to whip me to death. that's what's missing today... a touch of random sadomasochism in computer games! how was this ever suitable for my 11 year old self? Oh nevermind. I'm dead.

This game sucks. *sulking for approx 20 mins*

Let's play again!

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