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90s films

Macaulay Culkin Recreates Home Alone Scenes!

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Home Alone is easily one of the best Christmas movies ever. Yes I’ve said. It’s out there! A family comedy classic that still makes me laugh out loud every time Marv gets smashed in the face with an iron! It was this 1990 film which made Macaulay Culkin super famous at such a young age which subsequently led to this…

BFF with MJ?! Really? So much awkward here!

BFF with MJ?! Really? So much awkward here!

That swiftly followed with this…

Remember that one time when he divorced his parents!

Remember that one time when he divorced his parents!

And then after years of not hearing his name and truly believing that you made up the entire existent of this once child film star… you get images like this!

Not his best look :/ Just say no!

Not his best look :/ Just say no!

BUT it would appear that Culkin is back looking healthier and fresher than ever with this new Google Assistant ad. Cue the childhood feels… NOW!!

5 Classic 80s & 90s Scary Films With Twist Endings

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It’s that time of the month where people get aggressively passionate about their favourite scary movie. Some go for the classic sweet childhood feels of Hocus Pocus, others mention how the first Scream movie formed part of their teenage years, and then you get those who take it far too seriously and tell you about some obscure Japanese film that is not only terrifying but banned in 76 countries! Either way, Halloween is upon us and with that comes spooky themed blog posts that yell, “I’M TRYING TO PARTICIPATE IN SEASONAL MERRIMENT! but I also have a hangover so please be patient with me!”

I’m personally frightened of films that are certificate 15 or above! (12A can sometimes go a little too far but I power through!) The scary movies of the 21st century thus far are usually too messed up for me because they’re the kind of stories where you genuinely think the bonkers scenario can happen to you. Yes sure, I can be dragged to hell or possessed by a demon BUT I can also have my white girlfriend’s family lull me into a false sense of security so they can try and implant their brain into my black body!

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I prefer the scary movies of the 1980s and 1990s because I can usually distract myself by focusing my energy on the holes in the far fetched storyline or the excellent 90s fashion choices of the cast.

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It’s always easier if I can somehow intellectualise the plot by saying, “that would never happen because… a) her heels are too high b) he definitely would have noticed that bloody hand print on the wall or c) black people would never go and investigate strange noises in a basement!

I’m not going to list my top 80s or 90s scary films, I am however instead going to mention 5 movies whether horror or thriller with a punchy “WTF I didn’t see that coming!” ending. **This blog post is littered with spoilers… but the fact that these films are at least 20 years old makes me think that you only brought this upon yourself as you should’ve watched them by now!**

Se7en 1999

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Plot: Starring the slightly above average in the handsome stakes Brad Pitt and the vocal god of all narrators himself Morgan Freeman, comes the story of two cops trying to bring down a serial killer who uses the seven deadly sins as his modus operandi. The movie is spiralling into an epic climax until box-gate!

Twist: A delivery van drops off a box containing Pitt’s character wife's head.

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The killer (Kevin Spacey) then confesses that he did so not just for shits and giggles but because he was envious (the sixth sin) of their family life. Now after seeing his wife’s head in a box, Pitt using his wrath (the seventh sin) shoots the psychopath dead, which is exactly how the killer orchestrated this whole messed up predicament in the first place.

Scream 1996

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Plot: A lot of attractive high schoolers (who are clearly in their 30s but are being casted as teenagers!) are picked off one by one by the serial killer Ghostface. This film directed by horror legend Wes Craven, popularised the teenage slasher movies of the late 90s and brought a sense of satire and dark comedy often taking the piss out of original horror tropes and movies like Halloween and Friday the 13th.

Twist: There is not one killer… but TWO! You assume that it’s just one mentalist but it’s in fact two friends perpetrating the same sick game.

Friday the 13th 1980

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Plot: A lad named Jason has an unfortunate accident at Camp Crystal Lake. Soon after, two counsellors are murdered so naturally the camp is closed down (because that’s just a media shit storm everyone needed to avoid)! Jason's body is never found. 22 years later, the camp reopens, only to have someone casually killing counsellors once again. Has Jason returned…?!

Twist: The killer turns out to be Jason’s mother Mrs. Voorhees… But wait, there's more! The last standing counsellor, Alice, kills Jason’s mum. Job done. Sorted! BUT as she goes for a light paddle in a canoe, Jason's now decaying body jumps out of the water and drags her under. The police eventually pull Alice out, but Jason is nowhere to be found… until the next sequel!

Sleepaway Camp 1983

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Plot: A simple film about teenagers at another summer camp (I sense a theme!) who obviously begin to mysteriously get murdered. The main protagonist is shy, introverted Angela who is bullied by basically everyone. This movie is laughable with the same quality, dialogue and direction as one of your dad’s home videos of a family holiday to Lanzarote in 1988. It is however infamous for the best/most ridiculous slasher movie twist purely for the big reveal at the end.

Twist: Angela is in fact a boy! He’s called Peter and has been brought up as his dead sister by his eccentric aunt! Totally normal. Sure. The final scene shows “Angela” stark bollock naked revealing his male genitals, whilst holding the severed head of his latest victim.

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The Sixth Sense 1999

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Plot: A child psychologist tries to help a cute young boy who thinks he sees the deceased. This movie directed by M Night Shyamalan is still renowned for being that one film which stumped a lot of viewers as the clever ending tricked us all! And of course the line “I see dead people” is instantly recognisable and has been parodied many times.

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Twist: The psychologist (Bruce Willis) is in fact… A GHOST! He just never knew he was dead. And neither did we damn it! And those who sat back with a smug look on their face and said they totally saw it coming… are liars!

10 Awesomely Ridiculous 80s & 90s Fancy Dress Ideas For Kids

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Halloween is here any minute now and with that comes watching Hocus Pocus on loop whilst being wrapped under 14 blankets on the sofa. Your phone is beeping but you’re still casually ignoring your Whatsapp messages of some Keen Ken who is trying to organise a Halloween party that you have no interest in because a) that requires leaving your house! And b) fun doesn’t live here anymore!

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So, what do you do to get yourself in the mood for all things spectacularly spooky? Dress up a small person in a fancy-dress costume from your childhood of course! Why? Because you’re an adult and they have zero say in the matter. Plus, imagine all the Instagram worthy photos you can take of your little darling purely for the entertainment of you and your friends! #parentinggoals

Goonies Sloth

Hey You Guuuuuuuuys! The Goonies is a classic 80s film that only fools would find something wrong with. Persuade your child to ditch the latest superhero character that all their friends are imitating. (And if they begin to have a full-on meltdown at your dictatorship, tell them that one of their toys is possessed by the spirit of a maniacal, disfigured, Japanese, orphaned, drug addict, who will haunt them in their sleep if they don’t get their shit together!) Encourage your little ones to stand out from the crowd and be their own superhero… let them be SLOTH! Yes, he’s not as handsome as Captain America and he can’t lunge real low like The Black Widow, but Sloth CAN save a bunch of entitled kids on a pirate ship! So, your move Marvel! 

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

The original Ghostbusters is a solid 1980s benchmark of a movie that lives in the memory of every 80s child. Especially every 80s child who was Forest Gumping their way through puberty and felt sexually intrigued by Dana/Zuul.

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The cast ensemble is superb, the concept is amazingly bizarre, and it spawned many young folks boldly declaring that they wanted to be a Ghostbuster when they grew up! However, don’t go for the obvious with this fancy dress outfit as that’s too easy. Go for the one character in the film that nearly destroyed New York City. It’s all about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!

Mario

This little Italian plumber has been kicking around since 1981 and is one of the most recognisable faces when it comes to retro gaming and Nintendo. I know your child probably doesn’t care enough and is flipping you the finger whilst scrolling through their expensive iPad you bought to pacify them, but this fancy dress costume should win prizes! And if it doesn’t, then I think a strongly worded letter to whoever is in charge of this shit show of a fancy-dress competition should do it!

Oompa Loompa

Raise your hand if you feel personally victimised by the strangeness of the original Oompa Loompas from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory?! (And yes, I am fully aware that this is from the 1971 film but this was a staple in my childhood so I’m ignoring it!) Now if these small strange beings still make you feel ever so nervous, then this Halloween outfit for kids will work out perfectly for your small person. I’m also fairly certain the bright orange face paints will ruin all your soft furnishings in the house… but that’s what you signed up for with this parenting gig! Destruction and mayhem.

Yoda  

I mean. Just look! This Halloween costume is perfect for babies and toddlers because they get to work the cute factor while simultaneously having no idea what the hell is going on! The words Star Wars are just incoherent sounds to an infant, but to those indoctrinated into the way of The Force, this is geek goals! If anything, this Yoda fancy dress costume is enough to make us all point, laugh and coo “that’s adoooorable!” while your small child laughs at the ceiling, cries for no reason and shits themselves.

Chucky Doll

I’m not going to lie. I’ve watched maybe 10 minutes of the film Child’s Play and decided that it was a magnificently giant NO from me because I just can’t cope! We all know the horror story of how a doll comes to life and murders people just for LOLS, so why not bring the essence of an iconic slasher movie to the youths of today!

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If dressing your child as a serial killer is not your bag, but you wish to drown them in glorious memories from your childhood, then The Very Hungry Caterpillar is a pacifists dream! Where we lack in scares, we gain in cuteness! This was a favourite book of mine when I was a kid and now as an adult I only have respect and admiration for a gluttonous caterpillar who eats its way to beauty! #FitLife #FitFam

Edward Scissorhands

This Tim Burton fantasy costume is always a fab go-to when it comes to Halloween. It’s a quintessential look that is easily identifiable, and if it’s pulled off then it’s just the right shade of scary… but in a friendly hairdresser kinda way! Although Edward Scissorhands is meant to be male, this outfit is re-imagined for a girl because sometimes us ladies want to look dark and cool. (Not covered in pink or frills or… projecting heteronormative gender roles!)

Beetlejuice

Another Tim Burton dark comedy classic that does the rounds every Halloween. Beetlejuice is a much-loved movie that scared the crap out of me as a child but also made me love it in equal measure. It’s time to make your little ones decide if the smutty, crude, poltergeist will actually scar their tiny impressionable minds, or will they embrace him and laugh out loud. Nervous laughter is also ok! Either way, this fancy dress outfit is all kinds of awesome and needs to be seen!

Toby From Labyrinth

You remind me of the babe! If your child is not even walking yet and you want to participate in the peer pressure Halloween dress up but you’re feeling incredibly lazy, then this stripy onesie is a winner! Toby is the baby from the definitive 80s film Labyrinth and he is the reason why shit gets real and people nearly die in order to save him… while he’s off having his jollies with the Goblin King David Bowie! You can dress your cute person in this red stripy number and recklessly throw him or her around the living room whilst dancing! Fun.

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Name That Classic Movie Quiz

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Just a little Friday quiz to help you push through to home time! Classic films from the 80s and 90s that make you feel all warm, cozy and old as feck! 

 

10 Best 90s Action Films

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I grew up watching action and martial arts movies because I had an older brother who would usually give me a dead leg/Chinese burn/fart on my head if I didn’t agree with his film choices! The thing is however, it wasn’t really the fear of being suplexed into my mother’s coffee table by my brother that made me watch copious VHS action films on loop, I actually enjoyed them! Yes, the plot was always highly ridiculous with as many loopholes and head scratching as The Matrix Reloaded (remember Neo’s chat with The Architect that made you scream “what the actual fuck is happening!” at the screen?!) and of course, the good guy usually and predictably triumphed over evil. YET we still lapped up the explosions, cringe with a large slice of cheese dialogue and unnecessary boob shots from the damsel in distress.

With this in mind, I decided to compile my top 10 action films from the decade I loved the most, the 1990s. Now as this is the internet, and everyone has opinions and the ability to smash out a few CAPS LOCK expletives when it comes to expressing these opinions, no doubt some of you may disagree… and that’s ok! I value your opinion… but just not as much as mine! :)

ONE
Demolition Man – 1993 – Starring Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes & Sandra Bullock

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Plot: Stallone is tough, risk-taking cop John Spartan who along with homicidal but hilarious criminal Simon Phoenix (Snipes with a wicked bleached hairdo!) is cryogenically frozen in the year 1996 for a crime he didn't commit.

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They are both finally thawed out in 2032 where Spartan has to catch Phoenix in a world that has dramatically changed.
Best Part: The pianist at Taco Bell singing the Green Giant advert and Stallone and Sandra Bullock having virtual reality sex with zero contact! (Fun fact - The first time I saw this scene my parents were watching it too and it was incredibly uncomfortable for all involved!)
Best Quote: “Send a maniac to catch one”

TWO
Face/Off – 1997 – Starring Nicolas Cage & John Travolta

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Plot: An FBI agent Sean Archer (Travolta) and terrorist Castor Troy (Cage) are sworn enemies who through the power of ridiculous make-believe science stuff, swap physical appearance… by switching faces. *insert facepalm here*
Best Part: The shootout scene in the church… because violence and religion basically go hand in hand!
Best Quote: “Isn’t this religious, ah yes. The eternal battle between good and evil, saint and sinners… but you’re still not having any FUN!”

THREE
True Lies – 1994 – Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger & Jamie Lee Curtis

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Plot: A remake of the French film La Totale, Arnie plays a US undercover agent Harry Tasker who tries (and fails amazingly) to balance his intense high-risk life as a spy with his dull suburban life. Of course, his wife (Lee Curtis) finds out he’s not a computer salesman and they somehow find themselves embroiled in saving the world/just America from a terror attack.
Best Part: When Jamie Lee Curtis does this sexy/cringe striptease in high cut underwear!
Best Quote: “I married Rambo!”

FOUR
Terminator 2 Judgement Day – 1991 – Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Edward Furlong & Linda Hamilton

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Plot: The sequel to the game changing first instalment of The Terminator saga. Sarah Connor (Hamilton) and her 10-year-old bit of a dickhead son John (Furlong) join forces with the original Terminator (Schwarzenegger) who is now less pissed off at them because he’s a reprogrammed goody sent from the future... to run the hell away from a new fancy pants Terminator that is a shapeshifting, liquid metal son of a bitch!
Best Part: Every time the scary music kicks in when the evil Terminator T-1000 runs!

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Best Quote: “Hasta la vista, baby.”

FIVE
Universal Soldier – 1992 – Starring Jean Claude Van Damme & Dolph Lundgren

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Plot: Some kick ass soldiers who fought (and died!) in the Vietnam War, are brought back to life to help the military on some secret mission that has “FAIL” written all over it! Obviously one of the lethal soldiers, Andrew Scott (Lundgren) who likes to collect his victims ears as a strange souvenir goes rogue, and it takes Luc Deveraux (Van Damme) to stop the psycho.
Best Part: When Van Damme casually runs and smashes through three consecutive walls of a motel… because he’s technically a zombie muscle man who can do what he likes!
Best Quote: Scott – “Say good night, asshole.” Luc – “Good night, asshole.”

SIX
Bad Boys – 1995 – Starring Will Smith & Martin Lawrence

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Plot: Two funny guy cops Marcus Burnett (Lawrence) and Mike Lowrey (Smith) run around trying to take down a drug kingpin. There’s big explosions, gun fights and Will Smith has his shirt unbuttoned a lot of the time!
Best Part: When the date for Lawrence’s daughter comes to the front door and he gets roasted and aggressively threatened by both Smith and Lawrence! Hilarity ensues!
Best Quote: “He steals our shit, kidnaps Julie, shoots at my wife. Oh, we beatin’ him down. We beatin’ him DOWN!”

SEVEN
The Matrix – 1999 – Starring Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving & Laurence Fishburne

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Plot: A sci-fi classic that popularised the visual effect of ‘bullet time’ that slowed down action shots (made dodging bullets look cool!) and spawned spoof movies and cartoons!

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Computer programmer Neo (Reeves) learns the truth about “The Matrix” a simulated reality believed as the real world and the actual dystopian future of Zion which is bleak as feck! Neo with the help of Morpheus (Fishburne) and Trinity (Moss) has to fight Agents in sharp suits to figure out if he’s ‘the one’. Everyone looks like a cyberpunk dressed in either leather, latex and sunglasses!
Best Part: When Neo casually says “no” and stops the bullets flying towards him in mid-air and then proceeds to batter the shit out of Agent Smith with one hand!
Best Quote: “This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

EIGHT
Under Siege – 1992 – Starring Steven Seagal & Tommy Lee Jones

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Plot: Ex-Navy SEAL Casey Ryback (Seagal) who is now a cook, fights to stop a group of idiots/mercenaries fronted by bitter, unstable ex-CIA Bill Strannix (Lee Jones) on a battleship. An actress from Baywatch stars as the sassy blonde Tate who brings nothing to the story except randomly jumping out of cake in her underwear!
Best Part: Tommy Lee Jones’ bandana!
Best Quote: Tate – “So, who are you? Are you like some special forces guy or something?” Ryback – “Nah. I’m just a cook.” Tate – “A cook?” Ryback – “Just a lowly, lowly cook.” Tate – “Oh my god we’re gonna die!”

NINE
Speed – 1994 – Starring Keanu Reeves & Sandra Bullock

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Plot: LAPD officer Jack Traven (Reeves) tries to save a load of folk on a bus that’s rigged with a bomb. Oh, and if the bus slows down below 50mph then BOOM! Passenger and obvious love interest Annie (Bullock with bad hair but we love her anyways!) takes the wheel while Keanu tries to diffuse the bomb, catch the killer and get the girl!
Best Part: When the bus jumps a ginormous gap in the road and nobody dies, AND it stays above 50mph.
Best Quote: Jack – “Miss, can you handle this bus?” Annie – “Oh sure. It’s just like driving a really big Pinto.”

TEN
Mission: Impossible – 1996 – Starring Tom Cruise, his handsome Scientology face and perfect teeth! (Everyone else is fairly insignificant!)

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Plot: The first of many confusing Mission: Impossible films where Tom Cruise does his own stunts and somehow doesn’t kill himself! Ethan Hunt (Cruise) is a super-duper spy type person who is framed for the murder of all his agent mates. Gutted. Thus, proceeds crazy aerial tricks, impossible disguises and clever clues that not even Jessica Fletcher herself would ever find as Hunt tries to track down who betrayed him and why.
Best Part: Obviously the iconic dangling from the ceiling stunt.
Best Quote: (Ethan holding explosive chewing gum) “RED LIGHT! GREEN LIGHT!”

And there we have it! Big 90s action, explosions, corny lines, guns and incomprehensible storylines! I love it!

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10 Inappropriate Iconic Films

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Like most folk trying to run away from the responsibility of ‘adulting’ I miss my youthful ignorance! The kind of heavenly bliss where my only stress was maths homework, the only tragedy in my life was Mufasa dying in The Lion King and the feeling of intense smugness blowing onto my Sega Mega Drive game cartridges when the screen got all messed up as if I was genius computer hacker. I loved watching shed loads of VHS movies my parents used to rent from our local video shop. Remember those?!

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As I look back, exhale a nostalgic sigh and revisit the films I adored... I can't help but think that some movies were massively inappropriate for my fragile adolescent mind! I mean, most films from the 80s and 90s laugh in the face of political correctness, but there’s some classic cinema that with the gift of hindsight are really quite disturbing! Here are 10 great films where the subject matter was entirely lost on me.

Lets take it back! #flashback

Lets take it back! #flashback

Dirty Dancing - 1987

A classic film where I’m sure you and your mates have attempted ‘the lift’ on a drunken night out to soon realise that someone definitely needs an ambulance! It's a beautiful love story where girl meets boy, boy treats girl like a complete muppet, girl can't get enough because dickhead boys are super attractive, boy succumbs to girl's watermelon carrying abilities, girl's dad massively overreacts, boy says 'nobody puts baby in the corner', girl and boy live happily ever after! Oh, and did anyone else miss the whole ABORTION storyline??!! Like seriously... where did that come from?! Can we all not just dance and get along! At the time of watching this film I was all caught up in the romance and the flash of Patrick Swayze’s bum... and it was only years later I now understand why my parents went mental at me for watching it on my own!

Look Who's Talking - 1989

This movie starring John Travolta and Kirstie Alley with the voice of Bruce Willis is still such a brilliant film! I remember watching this and cracking up whilst being totally overwhelmed by the hilarity of a talking baby. This classic late 80s film was a simple comedy about a baby who can talk! Nothing else right?! It was only years later that the ‘funny talking tadpoles’ at the beginning of the film penetrating the woman’s egg finally made sense. Pennies. Dropped. Everywhere! Now my mother’s hysteria after I watched and fully enjoyed it makes sense!

The Lost Boys - 1987

This film actually ruined me as a child! Vampires were always terrifying to me (until I discovered Buffy the Vampire Slayer which deserves an entire blog dedicated to the amazingness!) I assumed this was just a film about adolescent vampiric tomfoolery until my best friend sent me this text:

“The head vampire is an older rich man; his vampires are all teenage eternally youthful boys and he tries to indoctrinate more boys and use their mum as his paedo vampire beard! Gross!”
Mind. Blown.

Mind. Blown.

Pretty Woman - 1990

Cinder-fucking-rella! I'm all about Julia Roberts. She is funny, ridiculously attractive and she made prostitution seem glamourous as if it was a real viable career path for me after I finished school. Roberts portrayal of a lady of the night seemed like a romantic fairy tale which let’s face it is very impressive. As a youth this movie was just a gorgeous love story of a red head who falls in love with a rich dude... the fact that she was a hooker went right over my head. Big mistake... huge!

Back to the Future - 1985

All kinds of crazy sexy cool! An 80s cult classic with a ridiculous plot but one of the best movies...ever! Trying to make my dad go 88 mph on the motorway in his 1992 Toyota Celica to see if time travel really is possible, still remains a fond memory of mine. This film had it all. Comedy, pathos, drama, a good looking cast and… incest! How many of us tried to pretend that the younger version of Marty’s mum somewhat aggressively trying to get in his pants wasn’t uncomfortable… at all. 

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They even share a kiss and yet my 10 year old self just figured that it was a comedic device to further the plot!

The Breakfast Club – 1985

This popular movie featuring some of the 80s iconic “Brat Pack” actors gives a giant middle finger to being socially, politically, racially and sexually sound. Watching it now always makes me audibly groan with distaste as it’s fairly shocking to hear the language like “faggot” being used as a playful curse word and scenes showing how the bad boy of the group continually sexually harasses one of the leading females of the group. At one point (after consistently mocking her for being a virgin) he goes under the table and puts his head in her crotch where she visibly squirms and resists, and then later he slut shames her! *face palm* How did this shit fly?!

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Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back - 1980

For those unfamiliar with the plot, where the hell have you been?! I would like to think at the time of making this film George Lucas didn’t intend for Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia to be siblings… because incest is not best George! However, when I watched this as a child this glaringly obvious disturbance flew straight over my head. In fairness there is a lot going on in this movie so keeping up with who was tongue kissing who wasn’t my main concern.

Mrs Doubtfire – 1993

One of Robin Williams finest roles. For a film that is about a father who dresses up as a middle-aged woman in order to spend time with his kids (because his estranged wife is essentially a knob), Mrs Doubtfire still exuberates all the well-rehearsed cinematic tropes of a warm, well-rounded family drama. I went to see this at the cinema for a friend’s birthday and the scene where Robin Williams’ brother and ‘friend’ help him with his makeup didn’t register at all. In fairness it shouldn’t need to be highlighted so well done, but I never knew his brother and his ‘good pal’ were gay and married! The names Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack probably should have given that away!

Grease – 1978

This fantastic iconic film needs no intro because we’ve all sung our hearts out to the Grease mega mix on many an alcoholic induced night out. It’s a timeless classic where boy meets girl, guy acts like an asshole and girl changes everything about herself to be with him.

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Yes, the message of this movie maybe something we probably would like to forget/sweep under the rug/set on fire along with Disney’s The Little Mermaid’s ideology on changing for a bloke BUT who initially missed the part where Rizzo thought she was pregnant? The entire time I believed she was just being extra moody because she was a bit of a bitch. But no no, she was dealing with a possible teenage pregnancy while everyone else was doing the friggin’ hand jive!

Big – 1988

Another fab film starring Tom Hanks that had idiots like me making wishes to grow up and have an amazingly unrealistic job playing with toys! The concept for the movie was great… until you realise that you’re championing the romance of 12-year-old boy and a 30-something year old woman. The sleepover scene where Susan acts like a sexual predator…? Yeah. That probably should have weirded me out way more than it did!