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90s TV

10 WTF Home and Away Storylines

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Yes. The rumours are true! At the grand old age of 30…*cough cough*, I still watch Home and Away! This Australian soap was a staple in our household growing up. I would get home from school and watch Grange Hill or Byker Grove then Neighbours, then Home and Away… AND THEN Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Heartbreak High. Those were the rules. Please advance to go and please collect £200. It was habit that I was unable to quit and even though I often self-flagellate over why I do this to myself, I still tune into the escapades of Summer Bay every damn day. Maybe I have no self respect... or maybe I am just living my best life!

There have been many MANY storylines where I’ve often wondered, “are the script writers partaking in the waccy baccy?” Here are 10 fine examples of moments I’ve cringed behind a cushion/thrown a chicken nugget in disgust at the telly.

One – When Selina got kidnapped by crazy Saul 3 TIMES!

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Will someone give her break! You’d think getting yourself into a mess once was enough… but nope it was so shocking the first time that the writers clearly thought screw it… let’s see what happens when we try the same distressing story three fecking times!

Two - Kirsty falls in love with her sister’s rapist.

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So, this actually happened, and it was played out like they were tragic but oh so passionate star crossed lovers! All the while us idiots watching were thinking… “I’m pretty sure dating someone who sexually assaulted your sister is not cool or romantic. Ah well. LOL.” 

Three – Duncan morphed into an actual adult and my brain hurt.

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The casting of Alf’s son was so unrealistic, yet I allowed it because Duncan was always a bit of a boring non-character.

Four – And don't get me started on VJ! He went from a 12-year-old boy to a ripped 25-year-old stripper overnight. Like I mean… even I fancied him!

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 Five – When John Palmer went mental and starting randomly burning down the Bay.

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So, he had a brain tumour that caused blackouts which casually turned him into an arsonist that put his wife in hospital and killed someone. But ya know… he was all sorry and stuff and everyone forgave him because it’s all about supporting the community in Summer Bay.

Six – When Bobby came out of the fridge!

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Ailsa was having a bit of a meltdown and next of all Bobby just popped back from the dead via her fridge. Super, and not absolutely terrifying at all!

Seven – When Heath took April’s virginity and then later married her sister.

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What is it with wild and nasty sister drama with the same man?! Also, the school uniform thing is creepy.

Eight – Leah being totally shit with men.

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They either die or cheat on her. Can someone not give this woman a decent healthy fella already! She’s basically going to end up like Irene working at the diner until she’s 85!

Nine – When Casey was kidnapped in the middle of the Outback and Brax miraculously found him.

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Being handcuffed to a burnt-out car in the desert is no biggy when action man Brax can pinpoint your exact location and save you moments from death!

Ten – Totally unrelated… But I’m curious… does anyone actually know how old Alf Stewart is?

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Like seriously, he’s been the exact same grumpy old man age for about 30 years now. Impressive.

10 Reasons Why Murder, She Wrote Is EVERYTHING!

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When I grow up, I want to be Jessica Fletcher. The sleuthing senorita from Cabot Cove and leading lady in one of my all-time favourite TV shows, Murder, She Wrote. The show has been kicking around since 1984 and yes I am that person who series links the re-runs to watch at my leisure with a cuppa tea and biscuit… because apparently I’m 86 years old. Everything about the many many episodes fills my old soul with a glow like ten thousand hazardous sky lanterns. And so here are 10 reasons why you should get your Murder, She Wrote fix post haste!

One – The simplicity of the plot

Nobody likes change! So keep that shit simple. Someone dies in every location Jessica Fletcher happens to be, she then solves the murder with a satisfying conclusion for all. Everyone is happy. The end.

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Two – The amazing alias’ of Miss JB Fletcher

Whether she’s a drunken hoochie mama in a bar dancing erratically (which is somewhat uncomfortable for everyone with eyes…) or taking on the persona of her cousin in London who has an exaggerated Oliver Twist style British accent… Jessica slays at being a wonderful caricature in order to get shit did!

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Three – The faces she pulls when she realises who dunnit!

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Four – JB Fletch is too hardcore for you

Look at her smiling casually at an alligator.

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And now she’s smoking because she’s her own woman who can do whatever the hell she wants!

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Five – Her relationships with men… that lead nowhere because she’s still hung up on her dead husband.

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Six – Jessica Fletcher nearly dying. Like every time.

Every episode gets her into trouble because snooping around shit that has nothing to do with her is not exactly clever. However, each time she is saved. Luckily immediately after the killer has explained in FULL intricate detail just how they committed the crime.

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Seven – Jessica’s closing scene laugh at the end of each episode

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Eight – The famous faces… before they were famous.

From George Clooney, Neil Patrick Harris, Andy Garcia and Courtney Cox… to Sarah Connor from The Terminator! Murder, She Wrote was ahead of the game in who’s who of Hollywood fame!

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Nine – Fashion baby!

Jessica rocked some exquisite outfits. Double denim, bold floral prints, brooches and some glam glitzy numbers. Yaaaaas Queen!

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Ten – How the writers of Murder, She Wrote never used maths.

Because according to my calculations, from 1984 – 1996 and after 264 episodes… everyone in Cabot Cove should probably be dead.

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