Adidas tracksuit bottoms with rip away poppers on the side? Check. A makeup bag composed of Rimmel Heather Shimmer, blue eye shadow and a foundation that was three shades darker than your actual skin colour? Check. And an array of teen magazines Sugar, Bliss, Just Seventeen, More, Smash Hits or Top of the Pops? Bitch please! CHECK! Here are the top 10 reasons why 90s magazines were honestly the best things.
One – Song Lyrics
Sorry? Googling the lyrics to songs? No no child. What you needed to do was pick up a copy of Smash Hits magazine and find the lyrics for all the latest boybands and solo artists who have since filed for bankruptcy or sold their Brit Award on eBay. I definitely had a neat collection of East 17 and NSYNC’s hits with a bit of Aqua “I’m a Barbie Girl.”
Two – Problem Page
If you wanted to feel better about yourself, then all you had to do was cast an eye over the problem pages of every teen magazine! From how to deal with bad breath and homework stress right the way to “How to know if it’s cool or not when your older boyfriend pressurises your fifteen year old self into having sex?’ *cue frantic 999 calls*
Three – Freebies
From glitter hair mascara (why?!) to stickers of your favourite Brookside TV character and a full size spray can of Charlie Red! 90s teen magazines provided endless fun!
Four – Celeb Interviews
How else were you supposed to find out about the Spice Girls favourite takeaway or the last phone call Peter Andre had? 90s teen mags offered an insight into the lives of those unattainable famous folk with aspirations that one day they would be our best friends/one night stand.
Five – Posters
My childhood bedroom walls were plastered with the faces of Take That, Peter Andre, MN8, and Shane from Home and Away! Did I actually care enough about these oiled-up hunks of burning love? Or was I just trying to mask the pangs of my throbbing homosexuality?! Who cares! Wrecking your bedroom walls with sellotape by sticking up a poster from your favourite 90s magazine was just mandatory.
Six – Position of the Fortnight
More magazine was scandalous! It was practically pornographic material for the innocent eyes of a thirteen-year-old who had barely seen a penis before! If you were feeling racy you would buy More, hide it from your parents and pretend that you knew what sex was!
Seven – Collecting all the copies
Like, why?! I remember my mother wanting to throw out all my Sugar magazines and I wailed telling her that I needed to keep each copy. I didn’t. Nobody needed them. But for some reason throwing them out and recycling them was just such a crazy notion to even consider. Fecking idiot.
Eight – Fashion and Makeup Tips
There would be at least a two page spread on how to make your face and your body look EXACTLY like malnourished, pubescent Caucasian girls in the magazines. However, I’m black and have thighs and hips for daaaaays! So, it sucked for me, but my mates loved it!
Nine – Quizzes
Before Buzzfeed quizzes that expertly calculated your favourite toothpaste flavour by how many shoes you own, 90s teen magazines sucked you in with all kinds of life affirming questionnaires. The subject matter mainly revolved around relationships, boys and periods. Winner!
Ten – Embarrassing Stories
90s magazines clearly copped on to the fact that we were basically buying them to make ourselves feel better about our adolescent meltdowns and screaming to the heavens "BUT WHY DOESN'T HE FANCY MEEEEEE?!" So, enters the cringe 'real life' stories of “that one time I got my period in P.E class and had to use my hockey sock as a sanitary towel!” Yes, they were completely made up, but at least we didn’t feel like we were failing that hard at life!